120 Channels of Nocturnal Misery

I have been a little on the nocturnal side here lately. For 3 months I was a normal lad. In bed by Letterman time. Up at dawn, with 2 cups of coffee and my morning trip to the restroom to read before beginning my day. But it seem I have drifted back to my familiar nighttime comfort zone. Being married with children and living in an apartment makes this difficult. I can't work on audio production as it disturbs my wife. So i sit and flip through 120 cable channels that I pay for and find myself asking, "What The Hell Happened to The World?"


My Program Guide Looks like this:

Paid Program

Paid Program

Paid Program

Paid Program

Paid Program

Paid Program

Paid Program

Paid Program



I feel screwed!! I pay all this money to watch other people ask me for more money!! So it goes like this. ...

1st a guy tells me I need a Temperpedic Mattress so I can sleep better at night. (Maybe that is my Solution)!! Then on to the next channel, where a fat hairy guy from 70's porn fame offers me a pill to make my member bigger. (Maybe he should be selling a hair removal device)
Then on the next channel they are telling me to buy a DVD set of college Girls Gone Wild. Now that's what I need!! Something to really remind me that I am getting old and make me feel like a perv! Then on the next channel they are arresting guys who have watched to many of the College Girl DVD's and have solicited underage girls over the web for sex. (But at least they aren't selling me anything!!)
As I continue I see muscle cut 20 something people telling me that the device that we use as a hat rack and clothes hanger (that I already bought) can make me look like them! I can't take that so I flip on!
Ooops NEWS CHANNEL!! War War War - all over the world, (I can't take that anymore)
-Click-
On the next channel they are all speaking Spanish. (Can't understand a damn thing)
Then I stumble upon a late night re-run of the reality show "Flavor Of Love". Now this is believable right? A bunch of curvy model type girls fight it out to win a life of love with a washed up rap clown who looks like a roach with gold teeth. But I amuse myself and watch for a few minutes. Out of the group one of them is a little on the chubby side. As the show nears the end she looses her bowels and shits on the floor by accident. (WHAT THE HELL?) Why did the fat girl shit and not the model type?
If intelligent life is receiving our TV signals in other galaxy's this is what they see? Us shitting ourselves!
I mean when I grew up Archie Bunker may have flushed the toilet. But it was synchronized into the stroryline as a punchline and it was funny!! Plus, Edith never shit on the stairs.

If it were not for PBS, History Channel and A&E I could loose my mind. But wait I can always count on TV Land for Gunsmoke and Bonanza when the going gets rough.

It's no wonder that half the people of this country need prescription medication that they can't afford. They sell it to us between infomrecials and during the news. We have ben told that terrorists are gonna blow us up with a can of shaving cream. Mexican illegals are here or on the way to steal our jobs and rape our children, (After the Priest and school teacher gets finished with them) All our office jobs are headed to India for outsourcing. Our home and land may be condemned any day so that Wal-Mart can build a new supercenter. And Gas Prices continue to go up, as do the profits of Exxon Mobil. North Korea may have a nuke! Iran may have a nuke! Al Quedia is living next door to me! I can't take a Pepsi on the plane anymore. And your 86 year old grandmother can't take her Pepto Bismol bottle in her carry on bag now because she might blow the plane up with it!!

Hell, who wouldn't be depressed or have high blood pressure after all that.

I hate to sound like Archie Bunker but this is how I see it. If you look like a terrorist we will search you. Profiling is the answer. If you are not a US Citizen, born and raised in this country you will be checked more closely. If you smell like curry and have a Koran in your carry on bag, we may check you out a little. But for God's sake stop making the 72 year old white lady from Kentucky get out of her wheel chair, unplug her oxygen tube and take her shoes off. Or the 48 year old black guy with his wife and 3 kids leaving Disney World empty their bags filled with stuffed animals before flying back to Atlanta. I promise you the 86 year old WW2 veteran wearing his VFW hat decorated with medals, is not gonna blow up anything.

Ok, I got a little off track with that rant!

TV Sucks!! It depresses us and scares us. Teaches us to lust after things that we may never have. And sells us stuff we will never need. Mostly that's what it does now days. There are still a few quality programs out there. "King of The Hill", "Lucky Louie" (New on HBO), "Frontline" (even though it scares us sometimes), And Ohhh Yes... "The Andy Griffith Show"
(when you really want to forget how troubled our world is for 30 minutes)

Maybe I will start reading more. Or listening to Coast to Coast AM. Or maybe I'll go back to being a so called normal human species and get a prescription pill to make me sleep, another to keep me happy and another to get me up and keep my wife happy within a 36 hour period. (should the opportunity arise) Back to 2 cups of coffee at 6am while I take the dog out in hopes she'll squat and do something instead of sniffing trees and poles. They say all men are dog's. But I have never sniffed a toilet seat. (random thought)

Or maybe buy an X Box 360 and start playing video games for 6 hours a day like a lot of other 30 something guys I know.

HELP!!